I know that i’ve been gay all my life. I’ve felt attracted to other men from a very early age. I felt that I was very different because all my friends were attracted to women and would always say things but I never feel it. When I was 13 years old, the feelings became clearer and I knew I was gay.
I still haven’t told my family. I feel they know but they have never spoken about it. At my family reunions my parents always try and match me up with another girl. My Dad stopped doing this because i feel he knows I’m gay. Our relationship isn’t strong and we never talk about my feelings. I don’t know how they would react if i told them!
I feel a lot of fear. I feel they would be disappointed and i would be judged. I didn’t decided for it to be like this. I feel so free some days when I read about positive things on Facebook like gay pride. But there are two sides to this. I also read things such as “being gay is disgusting”, “they are not good mentally” or “you need to kill them all.” I just don’t know how to feel.
When I was a kid in catholic school, I witnessed a lot of bullying. I was always quiet and spoke my mind. The teachers saw and never did anything! The church says it is a sin to be gay and you will go to hell. I believed everything they said. Then when I grew up and found out who I really was, It was much harder to break away from what i’d been taught while trying to hide my emotions about it. They said gay people were mentally sick and if you touched a child you were pedophile.
A straight friend once said if he ever had a child that was gay, he would beat him until he was straight. I don’t feel i have many friends because i can’t be me and show my true myself. When i was younger i felt very different about my life and I thought it would be better if I was dead. This is on my mind everyday. If you spoke with other people about me, they would say, “he’s very happy and always smiling.” But this I don’t feel.